Who Mourns for the Insurance Industry?

As Congress prepares to overhaul the U.S. health care system, I am really worried about the insurance companies. Who’s looking out for them? What about their health? All anybody in Washington cares about is the individual. Who cares about the corporation? I do. That’s who.

Right now I don’t have health insurance, but I don’t deserve it. I don’t want it. Health coverage is for the weak. It sounds French: “Le coverage de health!”

I don’t need a health care system that works. I’m an American! So we have a shorter life expectancy than most other industrialized nations—it goes along with my motto: “Live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse…riddled with cancer.”

This health care overhaul really scares me. I’m scared. I’m scared that a doctor will be making medical decisions about my treatment instead of an insurance company. That’s socialism!

You know what really scares me? Do you know what gives me nightmares that keep me from sleeping? Worrying that Congress will have to use whatever coverage is approved for voters instead of that great private option they have now. The public option is for the public. If it was for Congress, it’d be called “the Congress option.”

Members of Congress deserve better coverage than the people who vote for them. They can’t reform health care if they’re sick, or if their coverage gets a socialist disease. It’d be un-American.

There’s nothing wrong with our health care system. It’s like my doctor said when I was still insured and went in for my annual physical: “What are you doing here? I just saw you last year.”

A lot of people think that the system we have now can’t be saved. They say that greed is a pre-existing condition. That’s a lot of left wing socialist propaganda! They don’t care about the insurance companies. But you know who does care? James Tripp, that’s who.

But I’m just one guy. I wish there was some group that could represent the insurance industry. And what about the poor pharmaceutical industry? They’re under a lot of stress lately. They’ve started to take their own drugs!

I just wish someone could speak for them. I say let it be James Tripp!

Wherever there’s a fight, so sick people can be denied coverage, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a politician who wants to shorten the length of a protected patent to create a generic drug to save lives, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way any government plan denies the reproductive rights of women. I’ll be in the way any final legislation will make it illegal to use the bargaining power of any government plan to negotiate lower drug prices.

And when people try growing marijuana for medicinal uses, I’ll be there! I’ll be in the way bullies yell at old people to scare them. I’ll be in the way kids laugh when town hall meetings get interrupted by victims of a diminishing gene pool. Wherever there’s anybody fighting a denial of coverage, I’ll be there! And when people are dying because they have no health insurance, I’ll be there too!