Trippitorial – "Guns Are People"


"Free Speech Show" – The Future of the Internet

Here’s the final podcast of this series with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss Net Neutrality and the future of an open Web In America.

"Comedy Nation This Week" – July 27, 2012

Here’s the final podcast in this series with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:
Panelists discuss the Colorado shooting, new DNA evidence about some of our ancestors, the Russians in Cuba and more.
Trippitorial – Guns Are People
There’s been a lot of bad talk about guns in the news lately and I think it should stop. If the corporations that manufacture guns are people, aren’t guns people too? Do they not have feelings of their own?  If you cock them, do not people bleed?  If you hold one, do they not feel like a prick? Everybody on the news is talking about how they feel, but nobody’s asking the guns how they feel. If you tickle them, do they not misfire? I’ll tell you how they feel: Cheap. Used. Misunderstood.

If it was up to them, they’d be shooting themselves up in the air everyday in celebration. Sure, sometimes the bullets that go up come down into somebody’s head, but that’s not the gun’s fault. That’s gravity. What are you gonna do? Shoot Newton? And how are you gonna do that without a gun? That’s what I thought.

Guns are some of the most misunderstood weapons of mass destruction. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a bar and heard some guy say, my gun, she just doesn’t understand me.” Well, you know what? That works both ways, pal.

It’s like the N.R.A. says, “guns don’t kill people, we do.” guns aren’t the problem. It’s people who don’t have guns who are the problem. We’ve got to put a gun in the hand of every man, woman and child in America.

Why, some of my best friends are guns. I know a girl who married a gun. She has ten kids. The gun is always going off.

Guns aren’t the problem. It’s people who are the problem. That’s why we need guns—to get rid of the problem.

Of course, if guns are people, and people kill people, maybe guns do kill people.

Trippitorial – "Tax Returns"

Many people have demanded that I release my tax returns and college transcripts. What one has to do with the other I do not know, but I make this pledge to you today: I will form a committee to investigate what, if any, the connection is between the two.

Secondly, I’d like the first thing that people consider is why haven’t you shown me your tax returns and college transcripts? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. Yea, that’s what I thought…Nice taxes. And remember, just because it’s the second thing I said, that doesn’t mean it’s not the first thing I’d like people to consider.

C. Everything you need to know, you already know, and you’re better off not telling anybody you know it. People who know don’t tell and people who don’t know, don’t know what to tell. I certainly don’t.

People have got to know whether or not their candidate is a crook. Well, I am not a crook. I will release my taxes. I will release them in the oceans. I will release them in the air. I will release them wherever the flag flies free.

There will be a time to talk about such things, but let’s not talk about such things at this time. For, you see, I’ve filed an extension on my 2011 taxes and they aren’t quite finished yet. But as soon as they are completed by a crack team of accountants…by a team of accountants on crack…by one accountant…I will release my taxes to you, the citizens of this great land of ours.

I am not afraid of a discussion about taxes. I am not afraid of a discussion about anything. I am afraid we’ve run out of time.

God bless the I.R.S. and God bless America!