It’s Chase Time!

Filmed January 19, 2010 at The Fake Gallery in Los Angeles, CA under a SAG Internet Program Performer Contract. © 2010


"Comedy Nation This Week"

Comedy Nation This Week

James Tripp, Dan Barton, Laurie Buckley, Mike Guido, Tere Joyce, January Thomas, and host Sean Green give their takes on “This Week.” Filmed January 12, 2010 at The Fake Gallery in Los Angeles, CA under a SAG Internet Program Performer Contract. © 2010

"Chase Time" – The Evil That Banks Do

Last week, I was the victim of an attempted bank robbery. Chase Bank USA attempted to rob me.

I tried to pay my credit card bill online January 12th, the day it was due. When I clicked to pay, I got a warning that if I wanted my payment to be credited as January 12th, I’d have to pay $14.95.

So I called Chase Bank USA “customer service” to pay the bill. It was around 5. My Chase Bank USA customer service representative told me that at Chase Bank USA, January 12th ended at 4…central time. “That’s one o’clock your time,” she said. “You are four hours late.”

That’s Chase Time!

Chase Time is like Miller Time without the beer.

She said she could take my payment but there would be a charge of $14.95 if I wanted it to be credited that day. I forget what I said next, but I remember my Chase Bank USA customer service representative asking me not to use profanity.

So I told her that if she didn’t take my payment without the fee, I’d cancel my card. She said, “That’s your option.” She said it with contempt and arrogance. I remember that once again, she asked me to stop swearing.

The fact was that Chase Bank USA did not want my business. I paid off my card on time in full every month, so I never accrued interest and clearly, I wasn’t going to pay any fees. I’m what the credit card companies call “a deadbeat” because they only make 2% off my purchases, but that wasn’t good enough for Chase Bank USA. They have bonuses to pay!

JP Morgan Chase lost $306 million from their credit card division during the final three months of 2009. Chase Bank USA wants their customers who pay their bills to pay their bills.

Good luck, Scumbags!

Chase Bank USA operates like a drug pusher. They hook their prey with promises of low interest and once the poor suckers get hooked, Chase Bank USA jacks up the rates and lowers their users’ credit limit to what they’ve already spent so that penalties kick in when the accrued interest pushes them above their credit limit, triggering fees and a vicious cycle their “users” can’t get out of.

Bad, Chase Bank USA! Bad!

Chase Bank USA has a unique term for their customers: indentured servants. “You’ll be free as soon as you pay off your passage!”

So I canceled my Chase Bank USA card and my Chase Bank USA customer service representative said, in a threatening tone, “Okay. We’ll notify the credit reporting agencies in the next couple of days,” as if it was a strike against me, which in fact, it was.

When she threatened to report me to the credit agencies, the best I could do was say, “Oh yea, well I’m gonna tell my mother.”

Of course, my mother’s dead, but what does Chase Bank USA care about my dead mother?

Chase Bank USA hates mothers and babies and all that motherhood stands for and puppies too!

Chase Bank USA hates mothers, babies and puppies!

And most of all, Chase Bank USA hates America.

And don’t forget, Chase Bank USA was founded by Aaron Burr (according to Wikepedia, which I was unable to verify). That’s right; Chase Bank USA killed Alexander Hamilton!

How many more Treasury Secretaries will we let Chase Bank USA murder?

Shame on Chase Bank USA! Shame!

I went back on line and paid the card off in full. I paid it on January 12th; but Chase Bank USA recorded it as January 13th.

That’s Chase Time!

The next day there was a charge on my closed account dated January 12th for $39 which Chase Bank USA called a late fee. How do you charge a late fee on the day a bill is due?
Wouldn’t that be an on time fee? Wouldn’t you charge a late fee the day after, when it’s late? Maybe I ought to charge Chase Bank USA an early fee.

I know what you’re doing Chase Bank USA. You’re already trying to charge me interest on that $39. That’s very enterprising of you, Chase Bank USA. Kudos to you! So instead of the $14.95 I wouldn’t pay, you think I’m going to pay $39 with interest?

I know…stop swearing.

Chase Bank USA is a modern day Dillinger, but not the cute Johnny Depp kind. The next time you go into a Chase Bank USA, don’t be surprised if instead of saying, “May I help you?” the Chase Bank USA teller says, “Stick ‘em up!”

I called Chase Bank USA customer service again to tell my Chase Bank USA customer service representative to remove the late fee and she laughed. I believe she guffawed. I asked if there was a Chase Bank USA customer service supervisor I could talk to and she said, “Oh, he ain’t gonna remove no fee.”

And sure enough, I talked to him and he said, “I ain’t gonna remove no fee.”

She was right!

I asked him if there was anybody above him I could talk to. He said, “Nope. There ain’t nobody else. You gonna have to pay.” I had reached the end of the line at Chase Bank USA!

I told my Chase Bank USA customer service supervisor that I was a professional comedian, with the background of a reporter and former public relations man. I threatened him with biting satire, with a public retelling of the story framed ironically. He was unmoved.

So now when I don’t pay the bill on a closed account which I fully paid off, they’ll probably tack on another fee and so on ad-infinitum. Good luck collecting on that, Scumbags.

Chase Bank USA can take my credit rating and shove it up their…I know, I know…stop swearing.

So when you’re being screwed by your bank and someone asks you what time it is, say, “It’s Chase Time.”