"Comedy Nation This Week"

Filmed March 23, 2010 at The Fake Gallery in Los Angeles, CA under a SAG Internet Program Performer Contract. © 2010


I Will Not Be A Candidate for Governor of California

There are a lot of rumors flying around since Jerry Brown announced that he was running for Governor, some I didn’t even start. A lot of people are asking me what I’m going to do. The first thing I’m going to do is deny that I am a candidate for the office of Governor of California. Then I’m going to hold a press conference, but I won’t be taking any questions and there won’t be any press. Maybe I’ll just issue a statement. Maybe this is it.

Now, I don’t have a lot of money like some of the candidates in this race, but I do have a lot of hair unlike some of the other candidates in this race. Does that mean I’d be a great Governor? Maybe. I certainly wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to Cal-i-fornia. Does that mean I should run? Maybe.

Recently, a group of individuals approached me when I was at the Grove to urge me to answer the call to run for Governor. My first reaction was to say no. It’s a good thing I knew they were going to ask me that question. The truth is I haven’t decided yet what I’m going to do.

While the office of the Governor of California is an attractive one and I do need a job, it is not the kind of race one enters without great deliberation. But ultimately, if it’s something the voters of California want me to do, then it will be something I must do.

Some people want to auction off the office of the Governor of California. They think it should go to the highest bidder. Well, I want to put in a bid—not one thin nickel. And then I’m going to close the bidding.

I happen to be one of those Californians who think that maybe it’s time to put someone in office who hasn’t bought it. I happen to be one of those Californians who doesn’t have the money to buy it.

Jerry Brown says, “I’ll be back.” We’ve heard that before! Jerry Brown would make a good Governor—in 1975. Californians don’t want experience. That’s the past. They want change! That’s why a lot of Californians have started to collect bottles.

Anybody can spend a lifetime in public service. That’s easy. How many other candidates have spent a lifetime telling dick jokes under a disco ball? That’s the kind of experience that the other folks in this race just don’t have.

Anyone who ever spent time in Sacramento knows that it is a house divided. Both sides say, “Do it my way, or we won’t do it at all.” If I decide to enter this race and you send James Tripp to Sacramento, we’ll do it your way. If you want your politics without pickles, that’s the way you’re going to get it!

The Republicans want to cut taxes even though the state is on the verge of bankruptcy. It’s a bad idea, but if that’s the tea you’re drinking, then James Tripp will drink it too. I’ll take you one better, if I decide to run for Governor and win, no taxes until 2014! We’ll let the next Governor worry about it…unless I run for re-election. No taxes until 2018!

In an effort to appeal to Palin voters, if I decide to run and I am elected, I pledge to resign my office before I can be sworn in. I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is opposed to every instinct in my body, but to leave office before my term begins…that’s a horse of a different color, especially if there are gift baskets. I would really like the gift baskets, not for myself, but for my campaign committee.

The time for yesterday is past. The time for tomorrow is today. I may not have all the answers, but I have the questions. I may not have all the questions. People in this State want to know about the things they want to know about and I certainly do. This is not a time to rest. It is a time to do whatever that thing is that is the opposite of resting.

I do not claim to know the specifics of every issue. I’m an average person just like an average person. I feel that the less I know, the better I can represent the California voters…if I decide to run.

California is Tripp country. There’s so much left to do with the work we have not yet begun.