The 98%

I’m a little concerned that only 1% of the 99% arerepresenting 100% of the 99% and I think it’s time somebody started protestingabout this, but not me. I’m not a trouble maker. It’s just that the people inthe Occupy movement aren’t 99% of the people. They’re probably not even 1% ofthe 99% of the people they say they represent. They’re not the only ones gettingthe business from business. They’re just the ones with sleeping bags and notoilets, but that’s no reason to listen to them. I have things say too. Listento me. I am a spokesman for the 98% of the 99%.

The only trouble is, I have nothing to say, butthat’s no reason not to say anything. Long live the ninety-eight!

First of all, my landlord’s an asshole. I want tostate that right off. I have rent control, so the landlord doesn’t want to fixanything. The landlord wants me to move out so he can raise the rent. “Fuck-you,landlord. I’m not moving out. Fix the sink!” The only way I get repairs done isif I call the building inspector, which I have to do every six months. I’m on afirst name basis with Building Inspector Yen, but that’s no reason to use hisfirst name.

Secondly, how come I never got on “The Tonight Showwith Johnny Carson?” What, did he think he was some kind of a big shot? Is itbecause I didn’t have tits and didn’t blow Jim McCawley?

The 98% of the 99% have a lot more to say than the1% of the 99%. I think I’m proving that. I don’t think the 99% are sayinganything, which makes me think we’re a lot alike, but that’s not important.What is important is that we’re different.

Here’s something that bugs me—people who makelists of things that bug them. I got things that bug me too! Who needs tolisten to your list? Stupid 1% of 99%.

Too big to jail banks are a big problem. I get it,1% of the 99%. Maybe you’re right about that. The banks are bigger now thanthey were before the crash. That’s bad. I get it. I saw “The Merchant ofVenice,” the one with Al Pacino, and I could be wrong, but he doesn’t lookJewish—maybe a Northern Italian Jew (Are there any?), but I digress, and it’snot worth protesting, and who knows, maybe this digression is more interestingthan the body of words that surround it and maybe I should digress more often,but that’s a digression, also not worth protesting. There are at least 1% outof 99% of you who are not amused by this, maybe more.

My bank has all kinds of new regulations, andsomebody ought to complain about that, but not me. I got a letter the other daysaying I have to have money to keep an account. Stupid bank. They’re gonna losea perfectly good customer!

Bank of America and Citibank wanted to start charginga $5 monthly debit card fee but people wouldn’t pay so they backed off. Fuckyou, Bank of America and Citigroup, although in the interest of fulldisclosure, I do own stock in Citigroup. Fuck me.

Unemployment’s a problem. I get it, one per centersof ninety-niners. You don’t have a job. I don’t have a job either. You don’thear me complaining. Do you think people pay me for this? They don’t. I’ve beenunemployed for so long now that I had to put it on my résumé. But just becauseI’m unemployed, that’s no reason to get a job. Why should I go to work for acorporation like some serf when I could be surfing if I surfed? So I can buy abig new plasma TV and fancy new car and food?

Here’s another thing to complain about—but not me.I won’t be complaining. There are too many media companies. I don’t have thatkind of time. With 5 different corporations controlling the flow of masscommunication in this country, it just gets confusing. We need more mediaconsolidation. News Corporation should buy everything, including lobbyists, sowe can get one consistent message. I don’t know what that message should be yet,but it will be for immediate release…Maybe, “Sale Thursday!”

If News Corporation owned everything, we wouldn’thave to pay politicians so much to run for office. Who needs campaign financereform when News Corporation can tell you who to vote for? Why make politicianscollect a bunch of little checks when it’s so much easier to just collect onebig one?

The Supreme Court said that corporations are people,but I still won’t visit them on holidays. If corporations are people, how dothey fuck? I know how they fuck me. I don’t even have the rights to the patenton my own DNA, which can sometimes be a problem.

There are already seven billion other people in theworld and only 106 of them are following me on Twitter. Maybe corporationsshould count as people. Then they could follow me.

Corporations are not people. They have more rightsthan people. My friend, Ernie, went public and he got arrested. Corporationsshould not have unlimited free speech rights. Just ask the Marlboro Man. Youcan’t. He died of cancer. Corporations shouldn’t have the same rights to freespeech as people and I’m not so sure we should give it to the Supreme Court.  Maybe they ought to shut up. That’d set a newprecedent. I have contempt for this Supreme Court. It was a five to fourdecision. With a Supreme Court like this, who needs elections?

Don’t get me wrong. I love corporations. Why, someof my best friends are incorporated! I wouldn’t want one to marry my sister. I’mthinking of incorporating myself to avoid federal election spending limits andfor the limited liability because I’m liable to do anything. “Was’t Hamletwronged Laertes? Never Hamlet. Twas Hamlet’s corporation.”

At this point, I should probably point out that Iforget the point, but that’s not important to the point I’m trying to make. Myfellow ninety-eight per-centers, this country isn’t a Republic, it’s aprivately held corporation, founded in Philadelphia, more recently a Delawarecorporation, soon to be relocating to Switzerland, but that’s no reason tooccupy it.