Trippitorial – "Doping"

Recently I have been accused by the Olympic committee of using performance enhancing drugs to write my Trippitorials. I would like to categorically deny this. I don’t think the drugs I’m taking are enhancing anything.

No doctor who has seen my act has ever thought there was a drug that could help it. If there was, believe me, I’d be on it. I wish there were drugs that could help me write, or even to understand the things that I’ve written.

I once wrote a joke tripping on acid: “As a child I wanted to be a commercial pilot. As I grew older, I realized, where am I gonna go in thirty seconds?”

A lot of writers do drugs. President Thomas Jefferson used to grow and smoke marijuana. Unalienable rights are something you think about when you’re high, even if you own slaves. It’s like he told Congress, “While I did once experiment with drugs, I never exhaled.”

This is not the first time I’ve been accused of being a dope…doping. When I was in school, a drug test was the only test I could pass.

As a child I had a drug problem. I was addicted to Flintstone chewable vitamins. I had to check myself into the Betty Rubble Center. I wish I was on drugs when I wrote that. Vitamins are a gateway drug.

And remember, the Constitution was written on hemp, but that’s no reason to burn it.

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